I'm driving down the tollway, Starbucks in hand, ready to start the day. I had a terrible day yesterday - a crazy bad headache knocked me on my ass and I went to bed at 6 - woke up at 8pm, ate a little bit and went back to bed and slept until 8am this morning.
Immediately when I have a bad headache I think of Jess.
I know it's not healthy, I know my headache was tension and stress induced, I KNOW this, but I can't help but think "what if"..... anyway...
I'm driving into work, drinking my coffee, checking emails while sitting in traffic (I know - bad driver) all of the sudden I look up and see a billboard....
"We treat your Cancer differently here"....
Then I actually start listening to the radio show blaring through my speakers. The morning drive with The Musers (I'm a ticket-chick) They are interviewing Rhett Butler, a talented guitar player, also a family member left picking up the pieces after his brother passed from brain cancer last May. He is releasing a movie about his brother at the Dallas Film Festival this weekend. He's fighting the fight after his brother passed, he is DOING something!
I automatically become stricken with sadness, lonliness, and guilt. .
Because I feel like I'm not doing ENOUGH to help in the battle to find a cure for Cancer. I feel like I could do more...... I feel like I put so much time and effort into other things - I haven't done what I need to do for Jess - or others who are battling this terrible disease.
I want to do more.
But what? I raise money, I try and promote awareness, and keep Jess' memory alive...but I want to do more.
I don't really know what MORE is, yet, I'm sure it will come to me one day. I would love to be able to work full time fighting for cancer legislation, helping families and loved ones who are going through the battle, and ultimately make a difference in the fight against cancer - but I am not Lance Armstrong or Susan G. Komen or the American Cancer Society........
I am a working 29 year old girl who grieves the loss of her best friend - who doesn't want ANYONE to feel the pain that she felt and Jess' family felt. I want to make a difference....but the looming question is ... How?
Do you ever feel like this? You know you WANT to do something to help - but don't know HOW to?