Thursday, April 7, 2011

The "C" word.....

This morning as I was driving into a meeting downtown for work, I became overwhelmed. 

I'm driving down the tollway, Starbucks in hand, ready to start the day.  I had a terrible day yesterday - a crazy bad headache knocked me on my ass and I went to bed at 6 - woke up at 8pm, ate a little bit and went back to bed and slept until 8am this morning. 

Immediately when I have a bad headache I think of Jess. 

I know it's not healthy, I know my headache was tension and stress induced, I KNOW this, but I can't help but think "what if"..... anyway...

I'm driving into work, drinking my coffee, checking emails while sitting in traffic (I know - bad driver) all of the sudden I look up and see a billboard....

"We treat your Cancer differently here"....

Then I actually start listening to the radio show blaring through my speakers.  The morning drive with The Musers (I'm a ticket-chick) They are interviewing Rhett Butler, a talented guitar player, also a family member left picking up the pieces after his brother passed from brain cancer last May.  He is releasing a movie about his brother at the Dallas Film Festival this weekend.  He's fighting the fight after his brother passed, he is DOING something!

I automatically become stricken with sadness, lonliness, and guilt.  .

Why guilt? 

Because I feel like I'm not doing ENOUGH to help in the battle to find a cure for Cancer.  I feel like I could do more...... I feel like I put so much time and effort into other things - I haven't done what I need to do for Jess - or others who are battling this terrible disease. 

I want to do more.

But what? I raise money, I try and promote awareness, and keep Jess' memory alive...but I want to do more.

I don't really know what MORE is, yet, I'm sure it will come to me one day.  I would love to be able to work full time fighting for cancer legislation, helping families and loved ones who are going through the battle, and ultimately make a difference in the fight against cancer - but I am not Lance Armstrong or Susan G. Komen or the American Cancer Society........

I am a working 29 year old girl who grieves the loss of her best friend - who doesn't want ANYONE to feel the pain that she felt and Jess' family felt.  I want to make a difference....but the looming question is ... How?

Do you ever feel like this?  You know you WANT to do something to help - but don't know HOW to? 


  1. I have many mixed emotions on Cancer as I lost my grandmother to it. But I can tell you that if Mr. Arkansas or I ever hear that C word this is where I'm going:

    I have read many, many studies and I would put my life in their hands before I would put them in MD Andersons hands.

    So much of the medicine they use to fight cancer causes other things and in my grandmothers case death - it wasn't the cancer that killed her but the battle itself.. if that makes sense?

  2. You might not be Lance, Susan, or the ACS, but you can look into volunteering for them, get in at the grass root level, learn about the orgs and later down the road, a career might be avaiable from it.

  3. Big Daddy Diesel has a point! Look in to volunteering or continuing to raise funds for their races. You might not feel like you're doing enough but you are just by feeling this way. You are already doing more than most by doing all that you can. Don't let the guilt eat away at you, turn it in to motivation to do more when you can.

  4. I think by simply writing a post like this is helping b/c it brings awareness. I know what you mean about wanting to help but not sure how... I think you are on the right track though to get the wheels turning. Hugs!!

  5. awww... lots of hugs your way!

    As someone posted above, do check out

  6. I live on the East Coast, but the Ulman Cancer Fund is big here. They specifically look at cancer in young adults. Team Fight is their team. Thinking of you.

  7. I haven't been following your blog long enough to know this story, but still just reading what you have hear brought tears to my eyes. Cancer is such a nasty, nasty thing. I have lost several family members to cancer and it seems like there should be more you can do. I agree with some of the others that voluteering could bring you what you are looking for.

  8. Volunteer Al. Your heart is so big and so full of love for others that no matter what you do, or where you decide to volunteer, you'll always find more ways to give back. Who knows, it might eventually lead to your own nonprofit one day.

    Love you always!

  9. Much hugs to you my friend. It is not easy.

    As a person who lost a parent at a very early age to cancer I understand where you are coming from. It is hard because you never feel like you are doing enough, but just like training for a 70.3 you are doing enough and know that.

    You are not super human and Jess would not want you to stop your life to do more when you are doing plenty already. I know this because I went through the same process when my Dad passed.

    Call us if you need any help laughing and taking your mind off of life even if for a brief moment.

  10. Join FatCyclist (fellow blogger) in his "100 miles to no where" ride on June 4th. Funds generated are donated to the Livestrong foundation.

  11. I just want to send you some major ((HUGS)). Cancer sucks... plain and simple!


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