How to deal...

I'm having a very "out of body", weird feeling.  I've never experienced it before. 

In short - my grandmother is dying.  As in, will probably pass today.

I have really never had a "real" relationship with her.  She is my father's mother, and if you know me, you know that the relationship I have with my fathers side of the family is strained (or non-existent) to say the least.  I have never been close with them.  The last time I actually remember seeing my grandmother was my high school graduation party.  That was 12 years ago.

This is very different from when my maternal grandmother passed.  I was a basket case.

I'm not sure how to feel.

My aunt called me last night to tell me that they were making her as comfortable as possible and if I wanted to come see her I better come quick.   I didn't know how to react.  Of course, I'm sad, it's death.  But I've never had "these" feelings before.

It's strange.

I felt like if I didn't go I would feel guilty, but I didn't want to go only to make sure I wasn't going to feel guilty.  I didn't want to be uncomfortable.  I'm still working on the relationship with my Aunt that called me in the first place; and my other aunt and uncle I haven't spoken to since my dad passed away in 2006.  Overall, it was going to be an awkward, strange experience.  Plus, what would I say to my grandmother, my aunts, my uncle?  It was all too strange and a situation that I wanted to avoid.  I stayed home.

My sister, Paige, called me this morning and told me that more than likely it is going to be today.  Her oxygen levels have depleted and are very low.  She continues to respond only via eye blinks. 

I have dealt with death often.  From my maternal grandmother, my father, Bill's mom and Jess it seems like I should be good at grief; but this time it is different.

I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel.... they are YOU'RE feelings and no one can you tell that they are right or wrong; but what if you don't know HOW you feel?

Letters to my BFF

Dear Jess -

There still isn't a moment that goes by I don't think of you - seriously it's THAT often.

On Christmas Eve I was having a glass of wine with my mom and preparing dishes for the Christmas Day feast ( you know she cooks WAAAAY too much food) and we were talking about the time you and me had to go to the store 4 times because we messed up Anna's jello thing she loves so much.  Mom and I laughed so hard about that Christmas Eve.

I've been missing you a lot lately.  Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's because your 30th birthday is coming up next month, maybe it's because SBJ is getting married this weekend, or maybe it's because I just miss you that much - I try and try to think about all the fun times - all the laughs all the memories and all the silly stories....which inevitably works 99% of the time to clear up the sadness...but sometimes I am just sad.

I saw your family in November at the Brain Tumor Walk - so good to see them.  I know you know this, but everyone is doing so well.  I miss my second set of parents about as much as I miss you- but I know I will get to see them soon.

Today is your sisters birthday - the first thing I did was text her when I got up to wish her a happy day!  I still think of her as my little sister and since you aren't here to wish her happy bday I did it for the both of us.

I'm sitting here at work 4 days before SBJ's wedding.  And, although, I'm super happy for her I can't help but be sad that you aren't here to celebrate with us.  I'm going to OKC tomorrow for work then it's over to Tulsa to start the festivities.  You know SBJ only does things top notch and this wedding is no different.  It oozes SBJ through and through.

When Amber and I wake up on Saturday morning it won't be the same drinking mimosa's without you.  Or getting our hair and make up done without you or walking down the aisle to support SBJ and you not being there...but like all things since 6/4/09 I will get through it knowing that you are guiding us with your gentle kind spirit.

I'm continually thinking of you and the day we spent together on your wedding day.  Hair, makeup, chick fil a, and a freezing cold day in December with awesome pictures.

I love you BFF - and miss you dearly.

BFFASSFAEAEAEAEAE,

Al



Me, Jess (BFF), Sarah (SBJ)




Me and Jess

  

Mom, Me, Jess, Stephanie (Jess' mom)



Stressed out......

Day 28 - Something that stresses you out.

Currently it's the fact that yesterday I had zero motivation to do anything work-out related.  I had a dinner for work last night which meant that I would either a. get up early and work out or b. work out during lunch.  Ask me if either happened.......... yea - not so much.

I've been completed exhausted in the mornings...which is odd for me b/c I LOVE the mornings.  I love waking up early getting my work out over and having the rest of the day.  But this week it's been TOUGH... like I'm not waking up until 7:30 tough..... which scares me considering I have a half marathon in 3 days.  Anxious/scared/nervous turns into stress...stress....stress......

I'm starting to freak out that I'm not prepared for Sunday - that I will crash.... I will fall back to hating running.... just when I've started to like it.  I'm stressed because my mileage for cycling and swimming isn't where it should be.... how will I ever be ready for NOLA 70.3?  Training for three disciplines is hard work.....

I'm a big ball of mess right now............

November Training Recap:

Cycling: 32 miles (piss poor......I missed every weekend with my riding group...need to pick that up after WR 1/2 this weekend)
Running: 47.65 miles - the most running miles yet
Swimming: 4.76 miles
Total Miles: 84.41

Now granted - this isn't too shabby for me...running nearly 50 miles in a month is something I NEVER thought I would do.  (had I run yesterday I would have hit over 50 - fyi...dammit ALLISON!)

Today I will get in a light 4 mile easy run (I think Bill is going to run with me) and then tomorrow is an easy 3 miler......I skipped swim today...refer to the top of the page for clarification.

I need to decompress and not stress.... I am ready.I can do this.I will do this

Who do you love today?

As we all know time is of the essence in our life.  We are always rushing to get somewhere, or to get something done.  Get the kids to practice, the groceries bought, rushing to Starbucks in the morning as we sit in traffic rushing to work.  In all the hurrying, all the chaos, do you remember to tell those special people in your life you love them?

The reason I ask is because yesterday Bill and I found out that a friend of his from work passed away in a tragic accident.  We had the great pleasure of getting to know this couple in July when we went to Cabo for Bill's work trip.  They are a young couple, early 30's, with 3 kids. 

You can read the story here if you would like.  After hearing this news last night it just makes me sad.  Although we are not super close to this family it still hits home when things like this happen.

Say extra prayers today for the Hepler family..... they will need all they can get.