Monday, May 16, 2011

How to deal...

I'm having a very "out of body", weird feeling.  I've never experienced it before. 

In short - my grandmother is dying.  As in, will probably pass today.

I have really never had a "real" relationship with her.  She is my father's mother, and if you know me, you know that the relationship I have with my fathers side of the family is strained (or non-existent) to say the least.  I have never been close with them.  The last time I actually remember seeing my grandmother was my high school graduation party.  That was 12 years ago.

This is very different from when my maternal grandmother passed.  I was a basket case.

I'm not sure how to feel.

My aunt called me last night to tell me that they were making her as comfortable as possible and if I wanted to come see her I better come quick.   I didn't know how to react.  Of course, I'm sad, it's death.  But I've never had "these" feelings before.

It's strange.

I felt like if I didn't go I would feel guilty, but I didn't want to go only to make sure I wasn't going to feel guilty.  I didn't want to be uncomfortable.  I'm still working on the relationship with my Aunt that called me in the first place; and my other aunt and uncle I haven't spoken to since my dad passed away in 2006.  Overall, it was going to be an awkward, strange experience.  Plus, what would I say to my grandmother, my aunts, my uncle?  It was all too strange and a situation that I wanted to avoid.  I stayed home.

My sister, Paige, called me this morning and told me that more than likely it is going to be today.  Her oxygen levels have depleted and are very low.  She continues to respond only via eye blinks. 

I have dealt with death often.  From my maternal grandmother, my father, Bill's mom and Jess it seems like I should be good at grief; but this time it is different.

I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel.... they are YOU'RE feelings and no one can you tell that they are right or wrong; but what if you don't know HOW you feel?


  1. I would go to the funeral. I had the EXACT same experience a few years ago with my father's mother. (I only saw my dad like 3 times in my whole life) I didn't go and now I kinda regret it. It's obviuosly your call - but just one person's advice.

  2. That is a tough one. I have a strained relationship with one side of my family and have wondered lately what I would do in that situation. Who knows what is right, ultimately you should go with what you feel or if you aren't sure, maybe go with what makes you comfortable.

  3. You are correct in that it is your choice and there is no way around that.

    My advice is to go to the funeral and do your pleasantries. It will be uncomfortable but it will be the right thing to do and when somebody approaches you to talk you will know what to say.

  4. I completly understand where you are coming from, about two years ago my little sister Melanie (who's dad was the beater) and I had to attend a funeral for his father. I was never close to him after the divorce but at the funeral everyone was crying and I was lost - I had no idea how I felt since I wasn't that close anymore and had such mixed feelings.

    Try not to worry about it, I'll be sure to keep you and her in my prayers :+)

  5. Situations like this are tough. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. With someone who was not active in your life, it's understandable not to have that overbearing feeling of grief when they pass. I agree with Jason and Jim that you should go to the funeral. It might help to open up some doors to conversation with that side of the family. It might not. But, at least you made the effort to be there and no one can hold that against you and you'll probably not regret being there. Hugs! :)

  6. That is a tough one. If it happened to me, I would go off the advice of my mother. She always seems to know best for something tough like. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

  7. I think what you are feeling is very natural. It's hard to decide what to do when it's a family member you aren't close to. I think at the end of the day you just have to do what's right for you and not worry about how other people would feel about it.

  8. My Dad went through something similar when his brother died. They hadn't really talked much since their Mother died almost 12 years ago. My Dad ended up not going to the funeral because he said he had said his goodbyes previously when my Uncle had a heart attack and they didn't think he would make it. The point is people may not understand your decision but it is your decision. Only you know how to deal with grief, pain, loss etc in a way that is right for you. Be at peace with your decision and let the rest go!

  9. sending hugs your way.... i think there is no right or wrong way to feel... prayers~ xoxo

  10. Completely agree, no right or wrong here, strictly on what you feel is right for you. If you go, it will be awkward, but who knows, it might help build a bridge for some of the relationships you are working on. Best of luck either way.


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