I'm having a very "out of body", weird feeling. I've never experienced it before.
In short - my grandmother is dying. As in, will probably pass today.
I have really never had a "real" relationship with her. She is my father's mother, and if you know me, you know that the relationship I have with my fathers side of the family is strained (or non-existent) to say the least. I have never been close with them. The last time I actually remember seeing my grandmother was my high school graduation party. That was 12 years ago.
This is very different from when my maternal grandmother passed. I was a basket case.
I'm not sure how to feel.
My aunt called me last night to tell me that they were making her as comfortable as possible and if I wanted to come see her I better come quick. I didn't know how to react. Of course, I'm sad, it's death. But I've never had "these" feelings before.
I felt like if I didn't go I would feel guilty, but I didn't want to go only to make sure I wasn't going to feel guilty. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. I'm still working on the relationship with my Aunt that called me in the first place; and my other aunt and uncle I haven't spoken to since my dad passed away in 2006. Overall, it was going to be an awkward, strange experience. Plus, what would I say to my grandmother, my aunts, my uncle? It was all too strange and a situation that I wanted to avoid. I stayed home.
My sister, Paige, called me this morning and told me that more than likely it is going to be today. Her oxygen levels have depleted and are very low. She continues to respond only via eye blinks.
I have dealt with death often. From my maternal grandmother, my father, Bill's mom and Jess it seems like I should be good at grief; but this time it is different.
I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel.... they are YOU'RE feelings and no one can you tell that they are right or wrong; but what if you don't know HOW you feel?